Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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