Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
