everyone is single if you try hard enough
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
