It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
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