some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
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