So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
