u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
