There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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