I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
