i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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