If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
