Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
