after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
My Sexting was not on an AP level
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
