so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize