Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Randomize
