How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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