You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
