i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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