In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
