So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Randomize
