I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
