I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
