Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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