if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
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