something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
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