Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
