I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
