smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I think my moral compass just broke
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
