Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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