I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
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