aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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