Pappa wants mamma naked
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
