Your dad touched me again.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
