This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
