I don't usually arrange sex via text message
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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