you should give me head with plastic fangs in
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
