More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Randomize
