I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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