we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
