Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
