So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
