If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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