I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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