I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
