The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
