I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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