I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
are you so shy because you have an std?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
