so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
