i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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