Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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