i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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