my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
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